I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
