Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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