Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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