Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
