I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
