He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
