even my farts smell like vagina
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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