a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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