I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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