I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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