I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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