Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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