when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
