We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
