Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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