Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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