I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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