dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
