just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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