I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm getting married
To pizza
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
