Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
