life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
