Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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