I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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