I puked a lego.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize