My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
