tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
