I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize