Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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