The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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