you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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