last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
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