I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
