At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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