We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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