There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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