omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize