filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
