I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
