The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
