i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
