woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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