Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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