I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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