he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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