I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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