we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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