All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
