The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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