The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
