the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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