i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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