I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
